may goals

1.) have money left from each paycheque to paycheque. i’m just gradually returning to work right now (go me!) and i want to budget so that it doesn’t feel like I’m still living pay cheque to paycheque. My big goal make a budget and work on it!

2.) DRINK MORE WATER. seriously i drink nothing but coffee at work. my first day back i drank FOUR COFFEES and no water. I ONLY WORK FOUR HOURS. that’s so bad. i’m so bad.

3.) Develop a nighttime routine. tidying, setting up for the next day, writing before bed each night, night time chores (take make up off, brush teeth etc.).

4.) take charlie for a short walk every day. he needs to start pooping outside. seriously.

5.) wake up earlier so i’m not so stressed

WISH ME LUCK. good luck to you on your journeys too!

 

xx

 

april round up

let’s start light. my april make-up essentials

(left to right)

maybelline age rewind concealer, real techniques expert face brush (LOVE THIS), tatre’s “lights, camera, lashes”mascara, kat von d tattoo liner in trooper, laura mercier mineral powder in “tender rose”, and benefit’s “gimme brow” brow gel in light/medium (should have got the dark/medium). should be pictured: M.A.C.’s paint pot “bare study”. every day i put this stuff all ova my face.

ok, my goals.

i rode my bike a lot. i decided if i wanted like cider from the liquor store i have to bike to get it. i found a light cooler i really like (and my husband does too) and they come in a four pack so i’ve been biking to the liquor store lots. and just regular biking too. i love my new bike

it’s an electra cruiser 7D ladies. the basket is just from canadian tire and is so perfect for wine and coolers.

i did clean a little bit every day, with my main focus being on the kitchen every day. i’ve also been “spring cleaning” throwing out junk, donating not junk but just stuff i don’t want. so our house is slowly getting more organized and that makes my ocd very happy.

ok that’s all. xoxo

honesty

i’m back at work and it’s harder than i thought it would be. i’m doing okay, except one day i was put in a situation i shouldn’t have been put in and i made an error. errors at my type of work are a big f*cking deal. they can hurt, or even kill someone. my error was not a really bad error. no one got hurt. but it still happened. we have to fill out these neon orange sheets when we make errors explaining what happened. then you do the walk of shame to the managers office to give it to your manager. anyways, my manager called me and apologized for being put in that situation. i still had massive anxiety over it.

The hardest thing about work is people asking me why i was gone so long. “what was wrong with you?” i smile and say my arthritis flared up and that i’m feeling much better now. it’s hard pretending that it was just that. it’s hard pretending that i’m okay now. i mean i’m way better, but i’ll never be “okay”. it’s exhausting. friday after work i basically slept all day. i want to tell them all that i suffer mentally, but i can’t. they wouldn’t understand. i would be too vulnerable. i can’t do that.

what the hell am i doing? where am i going from here? what do i want to be when i grow up?

maybe sleeping my days away are ok as long as i got my boys.

What do i do now?

it’s been a hectic week (back at work now yay)
okay so i found the attributes about myself that i do not like or i do not admire. i’m an attention seeker, know it all, fabricator, too unhealthy and too open, and way more, too many to liist.
 now what? do i learn to love and accept myself or do i work on ridding myself of those qualifiers? even if i do rid myself of them will anyone even look at me different/ than what they have done in the past?
i guess the best option is a hybrid of both. i will try to change the attributes that i don’t like and can change them, and i will accept the parts i cannot change. the real challenge is figuring out witch are witch. 
things I will be working on:

lie less

be less open with EVERYONE

work on being healthy. 
that’s a hefty start but I will keep you updated on my progress. 
look forward to my reviewing my goals for the month the end of the week… we will see how that goes.

life after shock therapy

for my ocd and depression my psychiatrist recomended ect (electroconvulsive therapy). essentially they induce a seizure in the hopes that your brain will function differently. I had almost a year of ect treatments. i had my last one in February. i am noticing a small difference, i feel anxious more now. not a lot, but definitely noticeable increase with my anxiety. it’s okay though, i’m pretty good at identify what will trigger my anxiety (thanks to the cbt course i did) and am able to take my anti-anxiety medication before the trigger and smooth sailing. for the other times, when i am caught off guard by a strong trigger i immediately take a anti anxiety. i have some great relaxing techniques i can try while my meds kick it. if i can relax my way to the med kicking in i simply remove myself from that situation if possible. all in all i think my anxiety, while not totally predictable, is fairly well controllable right now. 

some of my techniques are 

deep breathing (i know it sounds dumb and doesn’t work every time, it does work some of the time)

tensing muscles and releasing them (this is when you tense your muscles, hold for a a few seconds then let go)

rubbing the palm of your hand with the thumb from the opposite hand (this really works for me, it brings me back to myself and then i’m able to reassess the situation a little bit)
those are some that help me, hope they can help you too! 

self identity aka who am i?

as i share the “who am i” line i’m channeling my inner zoolander. 
as i’ve lost so many things that are so important to me (one being the drive to do ANYTHING) i’m left with the question – who am i? that’s a heavy question, and one that’s so stressful to think about. all i know is right now, i don’t particularly like who i am right now. 
let me describe who i think i am right now. now, let me preface this by saying that this is a cry for attention or compliments. this is an honest review of my vision of who i am right now
social but scared, caring, lazy, boring and dumb, sensitive, easily influenced 
love that i’m caring. i really do. i made a career out of it. but sometimes it can wear me out. worrying about others weighs on me sometimes. but i feel like it’s worth it to embrace being caring. 
i love that i can be open and honest about my mental health issues, i truly do. i probably don’t have to be as open as i am to everyone. my husband can handle my crazy and my sister can too. i will find solace in those two. really open up about everything to them and just tone it down with others. 
but at the end of the day, i’m happy with some aspects of my life, but i don’t think enough.
so. that’s it. i feel like my depression is being treated quite well. i feel like i’m ready to put some work into finding out who i am and like myself more. this year i will put more energy into trying new things, embracing the things i already like. i may try and fail at lots of things but that’s to be expected. 
for now, i will take the good with the bad. and just remember, it’s a journy. 

ps/ my dog is snoring

(late) april goals

i’m going to be setting goals for each month. each month i will review how i did for each goal from the previous month. i’m going to try to start small and attainable. 

1.) drink 2L of water EVERY DAY.

2.) take morning meds and vitamins EVERY DAY even if i’m not taking dexadrine that day. (i tend to just skip my morning meds if i am not taking my stimulant medication)

3.) walk charles at least 5x/week. that way i can miss a day if i’m too pooped (specifically from swimming)

4.) ride my new bike (!!!coming next week!!!) at least once a week. 

5.) clean a little bit each day (aim- to at least keep the kitchen clean. i tend to not want to cook when the kitchen is messy.) 

ok that’s a good start. especially because it’s already the 9th (whoops)

backyard bbq plus size outfit of the day.

sorry for the mess in this picture, we are at my sister in laws house out of town. it’s our nephews 18th birthday! i feel so old. here is my ootd. 

  
cardigan and tank top: forever 21+ 

leggings: penningtons 

why do i always have a headache?

today was a self care day. i guess.

sometimes i cannot shut my brain down and it results in a bad headache. so today, i thought i would talk about self care. self care is such an important part of living, especially living with a mental illness.

it was really hard for me to grasp the idea of self care because it felt very selfish. i’m struggling with that idea still but it’s getting easier. here are some of my self care ideas, some are pretty standard but others, i like to think, are unique.

ideas for self care:

sleep. it seems so basic but it’s such a huge part of my ocd and depression. when i was really struggling with my sleep cycle, sleeping only 2 or 3 hours a night. now that i’m on meds for sleep, i’m tired through the day. i try to limit my naps because too much sleep can be detrimental.

shop online, but only build a basket – no check out. it’s easy to get in trouble financially, especially if you are off work or on disability. i  find something soothing about shopping with out the $ commitment. if i have more energy i’ll go to the mall and walk around while looking at merchandise (usually only during the week, as weekend mall madness stresses me the f out)

walk the pooch. even if feeling tired and gross, i’ll try to walk my dog. walking makes him so happy (and less likely to poop in the house). something about making him happy makes me happy.  also, getting moving and exercising a bit helps release happy hormones.

do something silly. there’s a part in me that’s just ridiculous. usually i try to push that part down to be “normal” and “not crazy” but f that. sometimes you need to embrace the crazy and laugh your ass off. doing something, like drawing eye brows on my dog, makes me laugh so hard and that is usually the best self care i can suggest

good luck on your journey.

plus sized “work meeting” ootd

  

glasses: eyewear insight (coupon code for 15% off HFZNA)

scarf: iceland airport

shirt: old navy

cardigan: forever 21

pants: adition elle